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Thanks For Teaching Me Family Time

Monday, June 1st, 2009 by Alyice

I grew up with a mother who spent most of her energy working, partying, and keeping my younger sister out of trouble. I can honestly say that I do not recall ever having any real “family time”. Heated family discussions, yes; a rare one-on-one moment with my mom, yes; but time spent engaging in fun activities together—where we did more laughing than arguing, where we weren’t rushed or yelled at or fighting, where it was about enjoying each other’s company and not one-upmanship, not so much.

So when I got married, that’s one of the things I really wanted with my family—time spent enjoying each other’s company. There was just one catch. I had no clue how to do that or how it worked. Thankfully, my husband did!

First, my husband assured me that most families fought and that bickering was normal. “The difference,” he said, “is that unlike your family it is often balanced with a good, healthy dose of laughter and bonding.”

Second, my husband schooled me in what it was like to spend time with each other outside of chores and running errands. We started small, by taking the kids to the park—without modern day distractions it was easy to focus solely on the kids. Then we moved up to more interesting activities like amusement parks, museums (which my husband hated and I loved so we compromised and went to interactive museums), bike riding, hiking, and day trips to new locations. Next, we conquered the hardest—and most difficult task, yet—playing board games.

You would have thought that board games would have been the easiest thing to learn how to do with my kids but being surrounded by a house filled with “motherly” and “wifely” duties made it damn near impossible for me to sit down for long periods of time. I didn’t understand the whole competition factor and I really hated it when people got loud during a game.

Having grown up in a house where loudness and arguing was often associated with something bad and competition was for gaining mom’s love, I can honestly say that games just weren’t at the top of my list as “fun activities”. My husband, however, assured me that the loudness was simply excitement and that the arguing wasn’t really anger but more of a love for the game. “And as for competition,” he said. “There’s a healthy dose of competition, like playing sports or games, that makes you stronger and better fit to compete in the world and then there is an unhealthy dose of competition, like competing for someone’s love. When the excitement of the game freaks you out, just remember that it’s healthy as long as everyone is laughing and having fun.”

Today, I still prefer hanging out outdoors over indoor games, hate shopping with a passion, and find excitement in discovering and exploring new locations. But more importantly, I thrive on “family time” and miss it when life gets too hectic or the kids get in one of their “teen moods”.

I don’t care if it’s a simple conversation around a meal, a walk around town, a game of cards, or spending the day together in a new location as long as we are doing it together. I don’t even care if it’s just 30 minutes out of the day, or five luxurious hours, as long as it’s time spent together—time building close family bonds and time that makes life more fun!

Give thanks…

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Thanks For The Family

Monday, May 25th, 2009 by Alyice

I grew up in a rather dysfunctional family where I didn’t know if I was loved from one day to the next. I grew up feeling constant rejection and a tremendous amount of fear. I grew up constantly trying to prove my worthiness and beating myself up for the simplest of mistakes—mistakes that others would easily dismiss as the normalcy of life were things that I gnawed on for hours, days, even weeks, all the while wondering if I had said this or done that differently then…

Needless to say, my childhood dream was to marry Prince Charming and raise a family that was vastly different from my own. A family that, for the most part, was happy and content with each other and with life. A family that didn’t act ashamed to be around each other; that didn’t put each other down just to make themselves feel good; that didn’t make up lies and cover them up with half truths; that was for all intensive purposes not ashamed to be around each other.

I didn’t know if I’d ever get my fairytale ending, but I sure was hoping! Then one day, I met Prince Charming and my world got turned upside down. My life with Prince Charming hasn’t been all about sweet smelling roses as we’ve had our fair share of thorns along the way—some devastating, and some minor. But overall, I got my dream family.

And today, for the very first time in my life, I realize that they are all I really need in this life. There will be no more regrets about what could have been with my siblings, mother, aunts, uncles, or cousins. There will be no more beating myself up for not being good enough for them, for not being able to fit in, for not being able to do more to make things work with them. Today, I am finally going to let sleeping dogs lie. Because today I realized that everything I ever wanted in life has been right in front of me the entire time!

Family is what Prince Charming and I have with our children.

Family is about…

Loving someone unconditionally—even if they aren’t always loveable.
Showing love—even if you can’t always say it, you always try to show it.
Working, every day, towards building some type of relationship with the ones you love: a conversation, an activity together, a shared meal.
Giving space—allowing each other to have interests and hobbies outside the relationship and giving them the space to grow and be independent and different and unique.
Putting each other first—even if it means making a few personal sacrifices or prolonging a dream, want, or need. Making sacrifices for the good of the family—doing what is best not only for yourself but for those around you.
Forgiving each other—no matter how small or how large.
Accepting each other where they are right now, and not trying to change them—even when you think it’s in their best interest.
Challenging each other to be better people and not being afraid of losing that person for pushing too hard.
Fighting for what you believe in and allowing the others to fight right alongside you—even if the viewpoints are different and wavering.
Choosing your battles—allowing the other party to win once in awhile and choosing not to always make mountains out of molehills.
Never allowing time or the busyness of life the opportunity to destroy the relationships that matter most to you—even if it means putting aside your feelings of exhaustion as you spend time together.
Security—in knowing that no matter what life brings, what changes take place, or how many miles apart you live, you will always be there for each other and nobody, no job, no life experience, can take that away from you.
Being able to love yourself as you are—knowing that it’s the one place where you can safely be yourself. That you don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not in order to be accepted and feel loved.

If you, too, grew up wishing to feel loved and accepted for who you are, I am here to tell you that holding onto bad relationships isn’t going to make you happy; it’ll only make you miserable. Those relationships and all the energy you put into them will steal the joy from your life and suck you dry—leaving very little for those that truly do want you, value you, and think you matter. Listen, you cannot change people and you definitely cannot make them love you, want you, or respect you. All you can do is love yourself enough to find your own happiness; even if it means you have to do it without them or limit contact with them.

Give thanks…

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Thanks for 18 Good Years

Monday, May 18th, 2009 by Alyice

Saturday my baby boy graduated from high school and officially became “a man”. It was a bitter-sweet moment in my life as it meant the end of an era, the end of nearly two decades of my life, and the end of him living at home. And yet, it was also a glorious time to celebrate all his life, his past accomplishments, and the man he’s destined to become.

I’ve grown rather attached to this young man and truly cannot see my life without him in it. Even now, I get choked up thinking about him going off to college and starting a life without me. And yet, I know it’s his right of passage and that he’ll be just fine.

I am truly proud of him and honored to have him in my life. He’s been a remarkably easy child to raise and even the hiccups during his teenage rebellious years were mild. There are so many things that I love and admire about him, but stating them publicly would only embarrass him so I’ll leave you with this quick summary: While he is quiet and reserved, he doesn’t allow others to negatively influence him, to bully him, or to treat him unkind. He stands up for what he believes in, understands the importance of balancing work and fun, is level-headed, and is refreshingly honest—even if we don’t like what we hear.

I cannot wait to see what he does with the rest of his life. I hope and pray that it’s filled with laughter, good health, and most of all, true happiness. I hope that the field of study he goes into is one that makes work fun and exciting, that he’ll find true friends along the way, and that he will always know love. Finally, I hope he knows how much his parents (and sister) truly love him and looks back upon his childhood years with fondness, sensitivity, and a healthy dose of nostalgia.

Give thanks…

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I'm a freelance writer, mixed media artist, SMVA, and the owner of The Dabbling Mum.

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