Alyice on October 26th, 2009

Thanks For Letting Me Be Mom

Today, I ran across an old journal entry I wrote back on December 28, 2008 at 9:52 PM and thought I’d share it as it truly fits how I feel today!

There are days, like today when I absolutely L-O-V-E being able to take care of the family, clean the house, cook the meals, run the errands, and handle the recordkeeping and bill paying without the added stress of working outside the home. And it’s been great to be able to create art for the sake of creating art—without feeling like I should be marketing and earning money from it—thus allowing myself to have “me” time outside of the kids and my husband.

And I am grateful that I still have bonding time with the kids. I realize that while I don’t have as much quantity time with them as I’d like the bits of time I do have are priceless because we do laugh, and they do share their lives with me—a lot more than I was allowing myself to believe and definitely a lot more than I realized.

The thing is, as the kids began to grow into teenagers my life became more and more empty and I missed “our time” together. I desperately tried not to latch onto the kids and make them the center of my world—allowing them to branch out and grow and be independent—but secretly, I was hurting inside.

At first it was “Mom, you don’t need to volunteer in my school anymore”. Then it was “Mom, I don’t like birthday parties and all that attention. I don’t want them anymore”. Then it was “Mom, you don’t need to meet me for lunch—at school—anymore”. Then it was “Mom, you cannot help me with my homework because it’s over your head”. Then it was “Mom, you don’t need to drive me everywhere, I can walk or hitch a ride with a friend or drive myself”. Then it was “Mom, it’s too embarrassing to be hanging out with you—playing ball and stuff. I get teased enough when we do things as a family”. Then it was “Please don’t hug me anymore, I have personal space issues”. Then it was “Mom, I’m gonna hang out with my friends at their house instead of ours because—no offense—you guys are weird”.

For so many years I was everything to them and then one day, I wasn’t. And with each passing year, I was needed less and less and as happy as I was for how wonderful they were turning out, I missed being the center of their worlds. And when did I go from cool, supportive, caring, fun-loving parent to weird, anyway?

It’s a different relationship now that they don’t need me to do everything for them anymore. It’s a different relationship now that they don’t need mom to entertain them, either. They are self-sufficient and secure in who they are—and that’s a good thing. Really it is!

I guess it was last night that things really clicked and I finally became okay with them growing up and needing me less and less. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss having more one-on-one time with them or them needing me. And it’s not that I want them to need me less, but that they “need” to need me less. They need to be able to grow up and I need to let them.

And so today, I am grateful for the wonderful young adults they are becoming and for the fact that they haven’t completely pushed me out of their lives—that they still want me around.

Give thanks…

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