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Thanks For Being True

Monday, February 16th, 2009 by Alyice

I had a wonderful, supportive, and bread-winning husband. I had gorgeous, healthy children. I was blessed with the opportunity to work in the church nursery and childcare system so other moms could attend Bible study and “me time” functions. I had plenty of time to clean house to my liking, cook homemade meals, work in my ever-growing garden, and play with my children. All-in-all I had the dream life I had always wanted.

Then a tragedy happened in our family and a part of me died along with that event. To fill that void, I began a writing business. Writing had always been therapeutic for me and being able to expand on that writing ability was a fantastic release.

Growing up, I had always wanted to be a mother first, and a business woman second. If I had to choose between the two, I chose “mother” every time. So it’s no surprise that prior to this tragedy (and even after), I started and ran several home businesses—from direct sales to a licensed, in-home daycare to virtual assistance to mobile notary to mystery shopping—always giving them up when they began to “take over” my life as mother or I found myself ready for a new challenge.

But with my writing business, it was different. The more successful it became, the more I hungered for more success and the more it took time away from my family, the guiltier I felt. The difference was that this time, my husband no longer had that bread winning job—having given it up so that he could spend more time with the family and less time at work. And my children were now school-aged and no longer needed me quite as much. And the money, well, it was needed.

The void my writing had once filled began to be filled with something else—bitterness and resentment. I know a lot of people would call me crazy for “hating success” but that’s exactly what happened. And it happened because I allowed “other people’s perceptions” to rule over my own happiness, my own contentment, my own dreams and desires.

I was no longer content with making “just enough” money, or helping everyday moms find supplemental income so they, too, could stay home with their kids and still feel good about contributing to the household budget or keeping one foot in the workforce.

All of a sudden I wanted to be the “good business woman” who continued to strive for success: for greater numbers in readership, for more income, for more prestige. And I began hanging out with success gurus and their protégés. All who kept saying the same thing, “You’re afraid of success.” And I bought into that.

For awhile I had that steady growth in numbers, in income streams, in revenue. And I knew that if I put myself out there more, I could have their ideas of success. The problem was that I felt very conflicted, confused, and even guilt-ridden. And when those feelings became too much, I’d begin to resent my business and work very unproductively—causing my business to suffer.

Occasionally, I’d talk it over with my husband, hoping to find solace and answers but he’d simply listen then say, “Do what is best for you”.

The problem is that I no longer knew what was best for me. As the kids grew older, they needed me less and less and the isolation that often accompanies running a home-based business grew more and more. And that void, well, it just continued to grow. Filling it with “work related stuff” seemed like a logical answer so I kept moving forward but that internal conflict was playing havoc on every part of my being and it seemed like nobody understood my struggles.

So many women would’ve given anything to reach a certain income level in their businesses and to keep it at that level, steadily, month after month and year after year. And to do it from home would have been icing on the cake. And here I was whining about the current success I had reached and not wanting to grow bigger and better—of longing to cut back, to go back to simpler days, and not wanting to look like a fake or a failure for doing so.

Then one day I got Bell’s Palsy and I realized that I had to start doing what was right for me, not what was right for a growing and maturing business and not what looked good in the eyes of others. It took nearly a year to get to the point that I could actually admit to myself that I was not a failure for wanting a certain lifestyle and for being okay with making a living that was “just enough”.

It took nearly a year to undue the brainwashing that told me success only came in the form of monetary compensation, numbers, status, and prestige. It took nearly a year to remind myself that I wasn’t, nor would I ever be, a fake simply because I chose a different path. It took nearly a year to admit that I knew how to make a business successful and how to grow it beyond what it was, but that it wasn’t my dream to do so, it was someone else’s dream.

Then, as I began to accept the fact that life is all about choices and the choices we make affect our attitudes and our attitudes affect how we ultimately feel about life itself, I realized that I would never truly be happy owning a big conglomerate or having to deal with all the responsibilities and pressures that follow. But I would enjoy licensing my work to those conglomerates, working outside the home on a part-time basis as a social stimulation, and continuing to build a business that gave me a creative outlet—without having it take over my life.

And that’s when I discovered them…the many women who’ve taken the plunge to slow down their businesses so that they, too, could enjoy life more. The women who’ve decided that it was truly okay to “be less than what society tells us to be” because society’s idea of “less” is actually our idea of “more”.

More time for loved ones and less time running amuck, more time to laugh and less time to stress, more time to play and less time trying to keep up with the Jones’, more time to talk and less time to put off, more time to feel good about ourselves and less time comparing, and more time to experience the simple pleasures of life without always feeling burdened by so many responsibilities.

It’s so hard, in today’s society, to be real with people. It’s so hard to be our true selves when we always feel like we have to “put on a show” or “be on our best behavior” or “appear to be more successful than we really are”. And it’s so hard to be true to ourselves when we’ve reached a certain level of success only to discover that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be or that new dreams and desires have surfaced and caused us to change course or that we simply don’t want to do that anymore but fear letting others down.

So to all the women I’ve met over the course of the last year—via blog posts, via books, via articles, via social networking sites, via email conversations, via in-person contact—who weren’t afraid to stand up for what they believed in and found true happiness and contentment in their personal lives and their business lives, I salute you, I applaud you, and I thank you!

Give thanks…

P.S.

I’d like to leave you with a scripture that really brings this all home:

I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in…I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
–Paul, Philippians 4:11-13

Posted in It's Gratitude, Dude! | 10 Comments »

Many Hearts Beating As One

Thursday, February 12th, 2009 by Alyice

To me, family is not limited by blood type or shared heritage. It’s a group of people who care for one another and would do whatever is necessary to keep that unit alive. It’s a community of people who make personal sacrifices for the good of the whole; who encourage and lift one another up even when their circumstances seem bleak; who knows what forgiveness means and practices it on a near daily basis; who shows and practices unconditional love even when what they really want to do is run the other way; and who refuse to keep a scorecard—understanding that everyone will give and take as life necessities and that won’t always be on equal ground. Family is “several hearts choosing to beat as one”.

May this Valentine’s Day card remind you to reach out to your family members—whether they be by blood or communion—and tell them just how grateful you are that they’ve blessed your life.

Keep Creating

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Love Springs Eternal

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 by Alyice

This is a greeting card I created specifically for a challenge over at the CT Publishing blog. The challenge read: “Create a heart-shaped scrapbook layout, ATC, journal page, love letter, greeting card, collage, painting, quilt, fabric art, digital art or mixed media piece. Anything goes, as long as it’s heart-shaped!” The post was followed up with two images: a board box in the shape of an actual heart and a square pillow with four hearts.

So since I had already created—on this blog—several images that focused solely on a single heart, I thought it would be fun to get a little creative by using an image as a metaphor and incorporating the metaphor into text, next to the image.

This is what I came up with: Love Springs Eternal.

It’s a metaphor that hit home this past week as I looked over the last nineteen years of my life with my husband and realized that I truly loved him. I loved him when times were rough and I loved him when times were easy. I loved him when I couldn’t love myself and I loved him when he couldn’t love himself. I loved him through every storm, every drought, every feast, every season—for our love is true and it has continued to spring eternal…to blossom and bloom for all time.

Keep Creating

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AlyiceEdrich.com
I'm a freelance writer, mixed media artist, SMVA, and the owner of The Dabbling Mum.

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