Alyice on February 16th, 2009

Thanks For Being True

I had a wonderful, supportive, and bread-winning husband. I had gorgeous, healthy children. I was blessed with the opportunity to work in the church nursery and childcare system so other moms could attend Bible study and “me time” functions. I had plenty of time to clean house to my liking, cook homemade meals, work in my ever-growing garden, and play with my children. All-in-all I had the dream life I had always wanted.

Then a tragedy happened in our family and a part of me died along with that event. To fill that void, I began a writing business. Writing had always been therapeutic for me and being able to expand on that writing ability was a fantastic release.

Growing up, I had always wanted to be a mother first, and a business woman second. If I had to choose between the two, I chose “mother” every time. So it’s no surprise that prior to this tragedy (and even after), I started and ran several home businesses—from direct sales to a licensed, in-home daycare to virtual assistance to mobile notary to mystery shopping—always giving them up when they began to “take over” my life as mother or I found myself ready for a new challenge.

But with my writing business, it was different. The more successful it became, the more I hungered for more success and the more it took time away from my family, the guiltier I felt. The difference was that this time, my husband no longer had that bread winning job—having given it up so that he could spend more time with the family and less time at work. And my children were now school-aged and no longer needed me quite as much. And the money, well, it was needed.

The void my writing had once filled began to be filled with something else—bitterness and resentment. I know a lot of people would call me crazy for “hating success” but that’s exactly what happened. And it happened because I allowed “other people’s perceptions” to rule over my own happiness, my own contentment, my own dreams and desires.

I was no longer content with making “just enough” money, or helping everyday moms find supplemental income so they, too, could stay home with their kids and still feel good about contributing to the household budget or keeping one foot in the workforce.

All of a sudden I wanted to be the “good business woman” who continued to strive for success: for greater numbers in readership, for more income, for more prestige. And I began hanging out with success gurus and their protégés. All who kept saying the same thing, “You’re afraid of success.” And I bought into that.

For awhile I had that steady growth in numbers, in income streams, in revenue. And I knew that if I put myself out there more, I could have their ideas of success. The problem was that I felt very conflicted, confused, and even guilt-ridden. And when those feelings became too much, I’d begin to resent my business and work very unproductively—causing my business to suffer.

Occasionally, I’d talk it over with my husband, hoping to find solace and answers but he’d simply listen then say, “Do what is best for you”.

The problem is that I no longer knew what was best for me. As the kids grew older, they needed me less and less and the isolation that often accompanies running a home-based business grew more and more. And that void, well, it just continued to grow. Filling it with “work related stuff” seemed like a logical answer so I kept moving forward but that internal conflict was playing havoc on every part of my being and it seemed like nobody understood my struggles.

So many women would’ve given anything to reach a certain income level in their businesses and to keep it at that level, steadily, month after month and year after year. And to do it from home would have been icing on the cake. And here I was whining about the current success I had reached and not wanting to grow bigger and better—of longing to cut back, to go back to simpler days, and not wanting to look like a fake or a failure for doing so.

Then one day I got Bell’s Palsy and I realized that I had to start doing what was right for me, not what was right for a growing and maturing business and not what looked good in the eyes of others. It took nearly a year to get to the point that I could actually admit to myself that I was not a failure for wanting a certain lifestyle and for being okay with making a living that was “just enough”.

It took nearly a year to undue the brainwashing that told me success only came in the form of monetary compensation, numbers, status, and prestige. It took nearly a year to remind myself that I wasn’t, nor would I ever be, a fake simply because I chose a different path. It took nearly a year to admit that I knew how to make a business successful and how to grow it beyond what it was, but that it wasn’t my dream to do so, it was someone else’s dream.

Then, as I began to accept the fact that life is all about choices and the choices we make affect our attitudes and our attitudes affect how we ultimately feel about life itself, I realized that I would never truly be happy owning a big conglomerate or having to deal with all the responsibilities and pressures that follow. But I would enjoy licensing my work to those conglomerates, working outside the home on a part-time basis as a social stimulation, and continuing to build a business that gave me a creative outlet—without having it take over my life.

And that’s when I discovered them…the many women who’ve taken the plunge to slow down their businesses so that they, too, could enjoy life more. The women who’ve decided that it was truly okay to “be less than what society tells us to be” because society’s idea of “less” is actually our idea of “more”.

More time for loved ones and less time running amuck, more time to laugh and less time to stress, more time to play and less time trying to keep up with the Jones’, more time to talk and less time to put off, more time to feel good about ourselves and less time comparing, and more time to experience the simple pleasures of life without always feeling burdened by so many responsibilities.

It’s so hard, in today’s society, to be real with people. It’s so hard to be our true selves when we always feel like we have to “put on a show” or “be on our best behavior” or “appear to be more successful than we really are”. And it’s so hard to be true to ourselves when we’ve reached a certain level of success only to discover that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be or that new dreams and desires have surfaced and caused us to change course or that we simply don’t want to do that anymore but fear letting others down.

So to all the women I’ve met over the course of the last year—via blog posts, via books, via articles, via social networking sites, via email conversations, via in-person contact—who weren’t afraid to stand up for what they believed in and found true happiness and contentment in their personal lives and their business lives, I salute you, I applaud you, and I thank you!

Give thanks…

P.S.

I’d like to leave you with a scripture that really brings this all home:

I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in…I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
–Paul, Philippians 4:11-13

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Comments (10)

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Angela Klocke says:
(((HUGS))) So many of us can relate.

Angela Klocke´s last blog post..Win It: How to Become a Famous Writer Before You’re Dead
Posted at 3:02 pm February 17th, 2009
Nicki says:
Alyice! I want to give you a big hug!!

Nicki´s last blog post..Working Out
Posted at 3:30 pm February 17th, 2009
Alyice says:
Thank you gals. Hugs are so sweet–even virtual hugs!
Posted at 3:48 pm February 17th, 2009
mary says:
You GO girl!!!! Keep looking…keep finding yourself! You are a wonderful being to know…spring IS coming and the weather is going to become less unpredictable…I think a picnic…

mary´s last blog post..Happy Valentines Day
Posted at 6:27 pm February 17th, 2009
Dawn Gold says:
Well done Alyice for expressing how you feel so succinctly.

I have been home for the past 20 years. I have dreamed of working, mainly because of the social apsect of going to work in nursing. In the beginning I wanted to work to contribute to the family income but my husband was adamant that he was the breadwinner.

Many days I have been lonely, but thankfully, now because of blogs and social network sites, I can sit comfortably with my life and accept my husband’s need to be the breadwinner.

If I had thought about my life I would still be nursing but my destiny was not to continue on that path.

I am glad that you are happy and know, in my way, I understand how you feel.

Be happy and God Bless…

Dawn Gold´s last blog post..I Won
Posted at 6:47 pm February 17th, 2009
Alyice says:
Thank you Mary! You’ve been a blessing to me as I’ve watched you do your “creative thing” while earning a living at it, plus holding down a part-time job, and still being there for your family and friends!
Posted at 7:00 pm February 17th, 2009
Alyice says:
Yes, Dawn. I think you do “get” how I feel. I, too, am glad that you found happiness and contentment in the role you’ve been given to play out–to be the kind of woman your husband needs you to be and to feel okay with it.

I find it hard sometimes that I am closer to people I’ve met online than the very people that live down the street from me. And yet, such is our world these days and it’s something I am learning to accept.

Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone in my journey.
Posted at 7:05 pm February 17th, 2009
Mary Schweitzer says:
Thank you for visiting my blog. I like your work very much; especially the “many hearts beating as one” piece.
Mary

Mary Schweitzer´s last blog post..AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
Posted at 12:54 pm February 18th, 2009
Mel 2 says:
I don’t have a website, a blog, or any of the latest gadgets, but I am more content now than I ever was working for the corporate world. Now I am doing what I love: making cards and altered projects that bring joy to people.

As for the scripture you reference, my mom would tell us to stop keeping up with the Jones’ and keep looking up to Jesus. I agree that when you can say I have fought the good fight and won, no matter what society says, you’re a winner!

My dd works as a nail tech in her mil’s shop and interacts with people all the time and she is truly happy. Not what society calls the “success” job. How many others can say that their grown child is truly happy? She learned that from the choice I made to only work during her school hours, I believe. I worked full time and went to school full time UNTIL I realized that my ultimate goal was to have children that had a Christian walk and were content.

My dh and I have made choices so much like yours that now we can sit back and enjoy our retirement years. I love your blog and receive something special from it all the time. Keep up the good work and be happy! I know that you will have to edit the length of this as you and I are on the same soapbox and proud to be there.
Posted at 2:33 am February 19th, 2009
Alyice says:
Mel,

How could I ever edit, or condense, what you said? You spoke from your heart and I so appreciate that! Thank you for letting me know that you read regularly, that you understand my plight, and for encouraging all young mothers to follow their hearts. Thank you!
Posted at 10:17 am February 19th, 2009

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I'm a freelance writer, mixed media artist, SMVA, and the owner of The Dabbling Mum.

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