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We Make Ourselves…

Friday, August 8th, 2008 by Alyice

“We either make ourselves miserable
or we make ourselves strong.
The amount of work is the same.”
~ Carlos Castañeda

I saw this quote on another blog. It was left as “comfort” for another blogger who was struggling with some personal issues of her own and feeling quite overwhelmed. The minute I read it, it just spoke to me.

Why is it that we are so afraid to walk away from something successful (or comfortable) in order to pursue other things? Why is that we find it difficult to give up a “good thing”—even though it’s worn us down or we’ve outgrown it?

Nearly ten years ago my husband and I had a heart-to-heart about his profession at the time. He loved what he did, but the constant overtime was taking its toll on his body and his spirit. He longed to return to school full-time but knew it couldn’t happen with his current workload. We discussed the option of him quitting his job and me supporting the family until he graduated. We agreed that after graduation, I could return to full-time housewife/mommy and part-time business woman.

For my husband, it was a difficult decision. He would be leaving a job that paid handsomely, had wonderful benefits, and a great retirement package. The decision tormented him day and night—even leaving him with a few panic attacks. And it didn’t help that everyone around us seemed shocked and afraid for us.

But if you could see the excitement when he talked about going back to school and learning a new profession, you’d know why it was an easy decision for me. To make the transition easier for him, I located every college in the United States that offered the program he wanted to return to school for and told him to pick a college based on academics and programs—not location.

Several months later we sold our home, packed up the kids, and moved all the way across the United States. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. Yet, we made it work.

Fast-forward to today. I never did quit working once my husband got settled into his new career. I never did go back to our original agreement.

I could give a million reasons why, but it all boils down to this: I worked hard to build a business that allowed me the flexibility of being there for my kids when they needed me and it felt great to see the fruits of my labor. It also felt great to know that I could make something out of nothing and it be something worthy of praise—especially since I grew up in a household where praises weren’t easy to come by.

You could even say that I couldn’t close up shop for fear of looking like a failure. I didn’t want people thinking I couldn’t make it because I did make it. I was making it. I just wanted something else. I was ready for something different and I didn’t know how to let it go or cut back so that I could have that “something else”.

Sadly, my priorities got all mixed up and everything I held dear seemed to be put on the back burner while something I never considered all that important began to take precedence in my life.

And so an internal battle pursued.

My heart said one thing and my mind said another. “On the one hand we need the money,” I’d reason. “On the other hand, I could really use more free time, less responsibility, and the ability to give my husband and the kids more undivided attention,” I’d say. “I’m really ready to try something new and different. I’d like to find time for photography and art. And it would be fun to be able to start writing more instead of putting so much time and effort into marketing, promoting, and running the magazine,” I’d whine. I kept my husband up many nights, over the past two years, as I teetered from one train of thought to the next—always indecisive and always overwhelmed.

I felt God calling me back to a lifestyle I once held so dear that I woke up every day feeling blessed to be a part of. But I refused to listen.

I felt like I was caught between a rock and a hard place. What was the mature thing to do? What was the right thing to do? What was the best thing for my family? What was the best thing for me? I just couldn’t make a decision because I didn’t want to screw things up. I didn’t want to make the “wrong” choice.

Then tonight I happened upon a movie starring Nicholas Cage that I didn’t even know existed, World Trade Center, and suddenly everything became perfectly clear. There really is no “wrong” choice.

There’s only what’s best for me and my family and right now that’s spending less time in front of the computer and on the phones and more time with the family. It also means focusing on my health which could use a little fine tuning right now—weight loss, less stress, more social interaction.

So yes, I’ll keep the magazine online but I won’t be working it so hard. And yes, I’ll continue to freelance write, but I won’t sweat it so much if I don’t make x amount of dollars each month. And yes, I’ll make time for improving my photography skills and for learning new art techniques. And hubby promised me that within the next two years, we’ll be taking dance lessons together! Heck, I might even take a part-time job (if someone would just hire me!) so that I can get the heck out of the house and finally start meeting people. (I still cannot believe I’ve lived in this small town, in this state, for nearly four years and I only know my next door neighbor.)

Oh, and as for the film, World Trade Center…

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I cried like a baby throughout the entire film. It was that emotional, that realistic, and that powerful. Whether the facts are true or not, I don’t know. For all I know it was simply a film loosely based on real life facts, but oh did it have an impact on me tonight! The film concentrates on two individuals trapped under tons of rubble, fighting for dear life—and their families. As I watched this film, I couldn’t help but feel for everyone who lost someone that fatal day and freak out about the hundreds if not thousands of people that died—buried alive. And finally, I couldn’t help but think “That’s what’s really important. That’s all that really matters, right there. People.”

And by the way, it was so emotional for me that it’s now 6:15 in the morning and I still have not slept.

Posted in Artist's Life | 11 Comments »

The Ancient One

Wednesday, August 6th, 2008 by Alyice

I call this one “The Ancient One” because it reminds me of something left behind in the ruins of Greece. My daughter says it looks like something that would have been found in the tomb of a Greek God. (I’m sure she’s just trying to pump up my ego—but hey, I’ll let her have that one! It’s a nice compliment.)

This was made from an old food jar. Sometimes the labels on food jars are very difficult to get off and no amount of soaking in soapy water will remove the tacky glue and left over paper. That’s when I pull out my trusty spray bottle of Citrus De-Solv-It®, by Orange Sol—just a tiny squirt goes a long way. Spray, let sit for 30 seconds, scrape residue off with a little rubber scraper, and rinse. Couldn’t be simpler.

Keep Creating

Posted in Artful Wednesday | 2 Comments »

Thanks For Being My Kitchen Friend

Monday, August 4th, 2008 by Alyice

Yesterday my husband and I tried out a new church in Sioux Falls. At this church the pastor touched on the subject of “Kitchen Friends” and how every person on the face of the earth needs a few good kitchen friends.

He said that kitchen friends were people who knew the deepest, darkest secrets of your soul and loved you anyways. Kitchen friends were people who lifted you up when you were down, gave you praise when you deserved it, offered a lending hand when it was needed, told you what you needed to hear even if you didn’t want to hear it, and most of all stuck by you no matter what.

He said that kitchen friends really show the heart of God because they never give up on you. When other people turn their backs and walk away or when other people become too busy to care, your kitchen friends are the ones who stick around. They laugh with you, they cry with you, they work with you, and they play with you. They give you a shoulder to cry on, they give encouragement during both the good and the bad times, and they offer hope when you don’t feel there’s any left in the world.

When the pastor said this, my husband turned to me and jokingly said, “Where’s our kitchen friends?”

We’ve had many friends over the years—some good and some bad. But since moving to South Dakota, we still haven’t met anyone we could call, “Kitchen Friends”.

This morning, on the 18th anniversary of our marriage, it dawned on me that WE ARE EACH OTHER’S KITCHEN FRIENDS!

So today, as we remember the day we first said our vows, I want to take this time to publicly thank my husband for being more than just the father of my children and the bread winner of the family. I want to thank him for being my lover, my confidant, and my “kitchen” friend.

Happy Anniversary Baby!

Posted in It's Gratitude, Dude! | No Comments »