Alyice on August 8th, 2008

We Make Ourselves…

“We either make ourselves miserable
or we make ourselves strong.
The amount of work is the same.”
~ Carlos Castañeda

I saw this quote on another blog. It was left as “comfort” for another blogger who was struggling with some personal issues of her own and feeling quite overwhelmed. The minute I read it, it just spoke to me.

Why is it that we are so afraid to walk away from something successful (or comfortable) in order to pursue other things? Why is that we find it difficult to give up a “good thing”—even though it’s worn us down or we’ve outgrown it?

Nearly ten years ago my husband and I had a heart-to-heart about his profession at the time. He loved what he did, but the constant overtime was taking its toll on his body and his spirit. He longed to return to school full-time but knew it couldn’t happen with his current workload. We discussed the option of him quitting his job and me supporting the family until he graduated. We agreed that after graduation, I could return to full-time housewife/mommy and part-time business woman.

For my husband, it was a difficult decision. He would be leaving a job that paid handsomely, had wonderful benefits, and a great retirement package. The decision tormented him day and night—even leaving him with a few panic attacks. And it didn’t help that everyone around us seemed shocked and afraid for us.

But if you could see the excitement when he talked about going back to school and learning a new profession, you’d know why it was an easy decision for me. To make the transition easier for him, I located every college in the United States that offered the program he wanted to return to school for and told him to pick a college based on academics and programs—not location.

Several months later we sold our home, packed up the kids, and moved all the way across the United States. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. Yet, we made it work.

Fast-forward to today. I never did quit working once my husband got settled into his new career. I never did go back to our original agreement.

I could give a million reasons why, but it all boils down to this: I worked hard to build a business that allowed me the flexibility of being there for my kids when they needed me and it felt great to see the fruits of my labor. It also felt great to know that I could make something out of nothing and it be something worthy of praise—especially since I grew up in a household where praises weren’t easy to come by.

You could even say that I couldn’t close up shop for fear of looking like a failure. I didn’t want people thinking I couldn’t make it because I did make it. I was making it. I just wanted something else. I was ready for something different and I didn’t know how to let it go or cut back so that I could have that “something else”.

Sadly, my priorities got all mixed up and everything I held dear seemed to be put on the back burner while something I never considered all that important began to take precedence in my life.

And so an internal battle pursued.

My heart said one thing and my mind said another. “On the one hand we need the money,” I’d reason. “On the other hand, I could really use more free time, less responsibility, and the ability to give my husband and the kids more undivided attention,” I’d say. “I’m really ready to try something new and different. I’d like to find time for photography and art. And it would be fun to be able to start writing more instead of putting so much time and effort into marketing, promoting, and running the magazine,” I’d whine. I kept my husband up many nights, over the past two years, as I teetered from one train of thought to the next—always indecisive and always overwhelmed.

I felt God calling me back to a lifestyle I once held so dear that I woke up every day feeling blessed to be a part of. But I refused to listen.

I felt like I was caught between a rock and a hard place. What was the mature thing to do? What was the right thing to do? What was the best thing for my family? What was the best thing for me? I just couldn’t make a decision because I didn’t want to screw things up. I didn’t want to make the “wrong” choice.

Then tonight I happened upon a movie starring Nicholas Cage that I didn’t even know existed, World Trade Center, and suddenly everything became perfectly clear. There really is no “wrong” choice.

There’s only what’s best for me and my family and right now that’s spending less time in front of the computer and on the phones and more time with the family. It also means focusing on my health which could use a little fine tuning right now—weight loss, less stress, more social interaction.

So yes, I’ll keep the magazine online but I won’t be working it so hard. And yes, I’ll continue to freelance write, but I won’t sweat it so much if I don’t make x amount of dollars each month. And yes, I’ll make time for improving my photography skills and for learning new art techniques. And hubby promised me that within the next two years, we’ll be taking dance lessons together! Heck, I might even take a part-time job (if someone would just hire me!) so that I can get the heck out of the house and finally start meeting people. (I still cannot believe I’ve lived in this small town, in this state, for nearly four years and I only know my next door neighbor.)

Oh, and as for the film, World Trade Center…

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I cried like a baby throughout the entire film. It was that emotional, that realistic, and that powerful. Whether the facts are true or not, I don’t know. For all I know it was simply a film loosely based on real life facts, but oh did it have an impact on me tonight! The film concentrates on two individuals trapped under tons of rubble, fighting for dear life—and their families. As I watched this film, I couldn’t help but feel for everyone who lost someone that fatal day and freak out about the hundreds if not thousands of people that died—buried alive. And finally, I couldn’t help but think “That’s what’s really important. That’s all that really matters, right there. People.”

And by the way, it was so emotional for me that it’s now 6:15 in the morning and I still have not slept.

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Comments (11)

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Jenny R says:
What a great post. Glad you have come to peace with a path to take. Enjoy the dancing lessons. And I’m going to put that movie on my list of things to watch.
Posted at 1:40 pm August 8th, 2008
Brandie says:
Hello!
What an inspirational story. Oh, to have so much courage! Just think what it will feel like further down the road for you and your husband to look back without regret… No what if I had?…

I will have to rent that movie…

Thank you for your comments on my blog. I will be visiting yours frequently.

Brandie
Posted at 2:00 pm August 8th, 2008
Alyice says:
Thanks Jenny. Isn’t it ironic that we can sometimes make things so complicated when there’s a simpler way? I can’t believe I’ve struggled with this decision for so long! And, I can’t wait for those dance lessons, either!

Thanks Brandie. I’ve been “lurking” on your blog for quite some time. What a treat that you’ll be stopping by here!
Posted at 3:39 pm August 8th, 2008
Shauna says:
Granted, I’ve only read one of your posts, but I’m hooked! I didn’t even take time to peruse more before commenting!

I’m always so thrilled when someone finds their path/decides which fork in the road to take/makes any kind of personal discovery. It’s a beautiful thing! I’m sure you are inspiring to many people!

I saw a comment you left on another blog about sending ephemera to anonymous. You mentioned wanting to know where to get some vintage papers. Besides antique shops, flea markets,auctions, and the like, I know some websites you can check out. I’ll leave a couple and if you want more just email me! To get you started: www.twistedpapers.com, www.paperfleamarket.com, www.foundelements.com, www.animadesigns.com. I have more so if you want just let me know!

I’ll be back to your blog often, I’m sure! I’m trying to get one going and hope to have it up soon.
Shauna
Posted at 3:08 pm August 9th, 2008
Alyice says:
Shauna,

Thanks for much for information! That was so sweet and kind of you! And I’m looking forward to conversing more with you and checking out your blog once you get it up and running.
Posted at 3:34 pm August 9th, 2008
ann says:
Whoa - I can get excited about a woman who shares inner conflict - there seems to be a plethora of perfect little lives out there.

Thanks for your transparency.
Posted at 5:34 pm August 10th, 2008
Alyice says:
Thanks so much Ann! I know I’m not alone in this, as an ‘netpreneur, a woman, a mother, a wife, or simply a human being. I wish more people weren’t so afraid of being transparent. Think of the things we can learn!
Posted at 5:44 pm August 10th, 2008
Pam Kumpe says:
You go girl. I loved your blog. We all deal with inner struggles, the what if’s, where to turn, what to do next. I am SO excited about your pursuits, your trust in God, and your love for family.

Thanks for being my friend, someday we’ll have to have coffee, or a coke, or even pie.

Be blessed.
Posted at 8:04 pm August 10th, 2008
Alyice says:
Thanks Pam! I can’t wait to meet in person, too! We’ve known each other far too long (online) to not have met already!. One day…one day.
Posted at 8:44 pm August 10th, 2008
The Cotton Wife says:
This is such a great post! Your honesty is so refreshing.
Posted at 12:25 pm August 13th, 2008
Alyice says:
Thanks Jennifer.
Posted at 2:00 pm August 13th, 2008